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March 31, 2009

I’ve decided that if my writing career ever goes south, I’ll open a private investigation business. I think I could really get used to detective work, provided my clients offer up plenty of intrigue.

A while back, I mentioned a sociopathic family member whose evil ways have disrupted my life in ways unimaginable. I finally decided to take the offensive and began researching her on the Internet.

It’s amazing what a simple Google search can turn up, and I’m surprised I never thought of it before.

This particular person is a member of just about every social networking site on the Internet, and she has no trouble airing her dirty laundry for half the world to see. I suppose that is what I’m doing right now, but I like to think I behave with slightly more dignity.

And certainly I write with better grammar. Good Lord, it’s as if the girl never went to elementary school.

What I’ve discovered is that every time her name pops up in a search result, my stomach tightens with this overwhelming trepidation. What will I find on this web site? And will it completely turn my world upside down?

I’m no saint, and I hate to sound condescending, but either this family member is a world-class liar (which she is), or she’s committed far more felonious acts than I gave her credit for. And she brags about them. ONLINE.

It seems to me that if I were to engage in unlawful behavior under the cloak of darkness, I would avoid describing those exotic trysts even within the sanctity of my own journal. God forbid someone burglarize my house, discover the diary and publish it in the New York Times.

Writing about them on the Internet, though? That’s like begging to be caught.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years about this person, it’s that she can’t stand not to be the center of attention. She is drawn toward the spotlight like a magnet to an iron pipe, and anything that draws her away from said attention incurs her wrath.

I’m sick to my stomach. Anyone have some Pepto?

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