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junkie

March 3, 2009

Whenever my stress levels rise, my tension headaches increase the frequency with which they attack my head, neck, shoulders and jaw. I’ve been walking around these last few days asking people, if they would be so kind, to inject me with a lethal dose of pain killers so the AGONY MIGHT END.

There have been no takers, so I’m turning into an Excedrin addict. I swear to God, those little white pills are better than crack. The ones I’m taking, specifically for tension headaches (if that really means anything), have 250 mg of acetaminophen, plus 250 mg of Aspirin and 65 mg of CAFFEINE.

In other words, fifteen minutes after I pop two (or ten…), my hands are shaking and my teeth are vibrating and I know my head should hurt, but it doesn’t. It’s like the first time I had surgery, and they gave me a morphine drip so I could just push the button for relief.

I knew my shattered ankle bones should have been throbbing like crazy, but they JUST DIDN’T. Sweet relief.

Yes, for those of you reading at home, I’m a cheap drunk. One glass of wine puts me under the table, and if the doctor ever prescribes Vicodin or any other strong narcotic, I’m flying so high my husband has to watch my every move to make sure I don’t decide it might be fun to jump off the roof. BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T HURT.

I’m beginning to wonder if they offer any sort of support group for people who pop over-the-counter pain relievers like candy. At some point, my life will stabilize and my tension headaches will dissipate for the most part, and what do I do then? How will I get my buzz?

Don’t get me started on those commercials for that headache-relief product you put on your forehead. I was writhing in agony on the couch the other day and the commercial came on: “Head On! Apply directly to the forehead! Head On!” I threw a tennis shoe at the television, but it didn’t make that woman shut up.

And to those of you who suffer from headaches that hit you like a freight train and make you want to chew off your own skull, I don’t recommend Excedrin. It could very easily be classified as a gateway drug, as I illustrated last night while talking to my husband. I was like, “If this is what Excedrin feels like, what do you think I’d be like on heroin?”

And he was all, “If you ever decide to do heroin, I’ll call Hollywood and tell them I’ve got a GREAT idea for a new reality show.”

Supportive, my husband.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. March 3, 2009 3:04 pm

    Ain’t love grand? 😉

    Hope you feel better.

  2. Sam Tamlyn permalink*
    March 3, 2009 4:54 pm

    Thanks! I’m coming down already (no more shakes) and the pain has not returned. 🙂

  3. May 14, 2017 10:14 pm

    A really good answer, full of rantoiality!

  4. May 31, 2017 11:25 am

    Your site looks great Tineke!! Nice ‘n punchy. I especially like Food For Thought. I actually like all food coming to think of it. Love to you. Nik

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